.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
I have roughly one hour to kill at work. And trust you me, if I could kill it I would or rather I would hunt the large creature living in the back room. Some call her a secretary I call her Shrek. She reignites every tiny belief I have in monsters. If she was hiding under my bed I would piss in it every night... maybe she has a night job? She seems a little too over-qualified for that though. Too many children would wake up in a pool of their own sweat screaming in terror... was she going to eat me or just scare me? I ask myself that everyday that I have to see her fat tub of lard ass stalk her big fat green head in the office. Ogre's are definately like onions... this bitch stinks. But not like onions more like fresh water salmon or ROTTING VAGINA! My boss, who we will call Herbie, entered the bathroom one time and said "WOW, this bathroom smells like pussy." This was heartwarming. Despite the fact that I hate it when he has anything to say, secretly because his teeth are rotting out of his fucking head one inch at a time but goddamn a girl can only take so much! Not only did my one co-worker smell like a fucking hooker but my boss was running around saying pussy... can you say H-O-T? Yeah, I work in a sexy office.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
I'll give you a deal. Twenty quid.
Twenty quid? You can shove them up your arse. And fuck yourself while you're doing it. For FREE!
He's buying me gifts. Kill me if I get into a serious relationship. Not what he wanted to hear? I like him... I spent most of the day wondering if I am right to close doors rather than leaving them open. Not that I am shutting him out but I'm not going to lie to him. He acted like a wounded animal, like I killed one of his offspring. These days an ole' fashioned tongue war means I am now going to bear you children? Still he is hot and my vagina says differently. I was feeling down man! LOW as we like to say. I scrolled through my phonebook, I was searching for someone neutral... how come I have 40 dudes in my cell phone and 4 chicks... I need a new cell phone. 90% of the 40 are not neutral and the other 5% lie about it except one... I needed to be entertained, morale was l o w. I wanted a safe zone some place where flirting wasn't expected and I don't have to perform, with most people I feel like I have to be funny or entertaining ITS WHAT I AM. I was too tired for that, and my brain was like egg gravy, who likes egg gravy you ask -- NO ONE! See the thing about neutral parties is that THEY DON'T LIKE YOU and if you call them to hang out -- this otherwise safe zone -- is unreachable. People, guys in general, that are not into you tend to put you on a back burner, its a place to be but I NEEDED A PICK ME UP DAMMIT. Just a laugh or two over coffee with someone I see eye to eye with... I settled for a gay friend my pick me up left me in depression over a meeting -- you know that booming night business that is making its way back, it was a very American Psycho excuse, I accepted it. I am supposed to go see Dillon right now, he gets off of work at 3 am... I will explain what we did yesterday tomorrow... that should be my new mantra
GOODBYE ASSHOLES
Twenty quid? You can shove them up your arse. And fuck yourself while you're doing it. For FREE!
He's buying me gifts. Kill me if I get into a serious relationship. Not what he wanted to hear? I like him... I spent most of the day wondering if I am right to close doors rather than leaving them open. Not that I am shutting him out but I'm not going to lie to him. He acted like a wounded animal, like I killed one of his offspring. These days an ole' fashioned tongue war means I am now going to bear you children? Still he is hot and my vagina says differently. I was feeling down man! LOW as we like to say. I scrolled through my phonebook, I was searching for someone neutral... how come I have 40 dudes in my cell phone and 4 chicks... I need a new cell phone. 90% of the 40 are not neutral and the other 5% lie about it except one... I needed to be entertained, morale was l o w. I wanted a safe zone some place where flirting wasn't expected and I don't have to perform, with most people I feel like I have to be funny or entertaining ITS WHAT I AM. I was too tired for that, and my brain was like egg gravy, who likes egg gravy you ask -- NO ONE! See the thing about neutral parties is that THEY DON'T LIKE YOU and if you call them to hang out -- this otherwise safe zone -- is unreachable. People, guys in general, that are not into you tend to put you on a back burner, its a place to be but I NEEDED A PICK ME UP DAMMIT. Just a laugh or two over coffee with someone I see eye to eye with... I settled for a gay friend my pick me up left me in depression over a meeting -- you know that booming night business that is making its way back, it was a very American Psycho excuse, I accepted it. I am supposed to go see Dillon right now, he gets off of work at 3 am... I will explain what we did yesterday tomorrow... that should be my new mantra
GOODBYE ASSHOLES
Sabrina gets angry that I do not know HTML and that I have a gay web design but I LIKE GAY....
I think I meant to say something cooler but it came out different DEAL WITH IT.
Gay is good
I think I meant to say something cooler but it came out different DEAL WITH IT.
Gay is good
Give me my moment
I'm writing for you
takes me awhile to get there
I always satisfy
I'm writing for you
takes me awhile to get there
I always satisfy
Sunday, April 25, 2004
Just one of those days. THOSE days, like that explains anything. I'll just jump right into this seeing as how Aimee is the only one who reads it and is awaiting a post updating my fabulous life of NOTHING! Or not so nothing... A weekend of Giaesque grandeur.
Chapter One - Bosom Buddies Brawling
After entertaining myself and others in a day of sex filled belly dancing and inadvertent flashing of an unsuspecting audience I found myself attending a birthday party at the Bar Deluxe. An extravagant festivity for an overweight human with long hair and a goatee -- I did not know him -- he was weird, but he bought me alcohol and who am I to judge, he wasn't so gross after a couple o' shots anyways. 80's night WHHHHAT? The DJ sucked, I found myself dancing as to avoid eye contact with the 40 something that had told me he loved me. I looked around and found myself pretty shocked to see that Fatty (the birthday dude) had some pretty hot friends. AND THE DANCING COMMENCED. Lets just get down to the bare boning of this corset
Friend number 1. A strange sweating boy named Scott grabbed my ass whilst dancing lifting me up off the ground and kissed me. I tapped out at this point I was not in the mood to do Ultimate fighting on the dance floor.
Friend number 2. A smaller gentleman, Ian, asking many questions about "my day" he smelled of hazelnut and alcohol. I could barely hear him and he didn't seem interested in finding out about my day he just couldn't think of a better drunk question. He bought me a drink and took down my number -- or I gave him Sabrina's I had already had a few drinks and I was bored so while he was talking I walked off.
Friend number 3. Paul -- ah Paul he was very cute and very drunk for a while I entertained the alcoholism because he was so good looking but when he got a boner on the dancefloor I thought it would be more interesting to leave him sporting wood and went out for some air.
Friend number 4. Jay, a shy guy from San Diego probably the nice one of them all but he was boring and stood in the corner staring most of the night -- I found him creepy and creepy is funny, while he was talking I started laughing and I spit some sex on the beach all over his shirt, I didn't feel bad I guess I should have.
Friend number 5. Not the cutest one of the bunch but he bathed me in compliments on how hot I was, this kept me busy for about 10 minutes and then I got tired of hearing it. I didn't catch his name AGAIN he wasn't the cutest one anyways.
Friend number 6. Dillon... HOT Dillon, I eyed him the entire time at the club but didn't meet him until we got outside -- 6'4 Dark hair, HOT. Insanity ensued...
Drunk driving is like pulling an all nighter I have to check and see if I'm sleeping when I shouldn't be. Back at my car the first fight occurred. Dillon = funny, funny is hot, funny keeps me busy. He jumps in the front seat. I am sitting in my car getting ready to follow Fatty back to his apartment in West Hollywood. Oh yeah Fatty's real name is Mike not that it matters. Paul, storms over to my open car door and demands that Dillon get out and lays across my lap like a place mat... drunk boys are interesting. Dillon gets out of the car and Paul pushes him I heard him say "she's mine." WOW ok well apparently I am OWNED I guess that's kinda cool... or scary. They look over at me I just wave, I think about jumping in my car and leaving but Dillon is too hot. Finally Dillon gets back in my car. Jay, Ian, Scott and Paul drive in Fatty's car with Fatty's girlfriend. Side note: These guys are really drunk. Dillon decides we should talk like gay men and yell at cops -- not a good idea. Meanwhile Paul and Scott and cussing out Dillon. I clearly saw Paul's anus when he mooned us, of course this was after he threw water in my car and sprayed the entire left side with windex... AND AGAIN -- DRUNK? Back in my car Dillon is hollering at women passing by "You don't mind that I do this right? I mean I am going to end up kissing you later." Yeah we both knew it... We get through a police check point unscathed after Dillon sasses a cop for 10 minutes complaining about the wait... we are drunk, we are driving... giving a cop attitude while doing this -- super awesome. Inside Fatty's apartment the tension scale is about a 9, and why is soft core porn on the TV? I am lost. I stayed for about an hour a house filled with drunk boys one girl and Fatty's girlfriend. UNCOMFORTABLE. My head was spinning in a competition for my attention. I felt like my name was echoing in my head by different voices "Lets go in the bathroom and make out" -- "Gee Scott that sounds like fun can I be pooing during this romantic endeavor as to heighten the ambiance?" drunk people don't get sarcasm -- sad. Dillon is laying on my lap... ANGRY BOYS UNITE! Attack No. 6 sector 4 outweighing the competition LEAVE NO MAN ALIVE. Fight two -- verbal assault. MAN they don't like Dillon. At this point its amusing that I am actually causing a fight amongst friends. Fatty's girlfriend is annoyed its 4 am and the bickering continues, I am satisfied. "I am going home are you staying" -- she is clever. OF COURSE I AM STAYING do you have 6 condoms I am going to be pretty busy! I leave -- Dillon follows -- he is like my puppy my sexy hot puppy... he is shirtless. We walk to my car. Insert imagination sequence.
Chapter Two -- See Spot Beg
Yes my hot sexy puppy... who's following who. He calls me the next morning. We meet up... WHY DO I LIKE HIM oh yeah he's hot and funny, nevermind. Ok he's almost 25 that's not so bad. This brings me to present time. See new post for update
Chapter One - Bosom Buddies Brawling
After entertaining myself and others in a day of sex filled belly dancing and inadvertent flashing of an unsuspecting audience I found myself attending a birthday party at the Bar Deluxe. An extravagant festivity for an overweight human with long hair and a goatee -- I did not know him -- he was weird, but he bought me alcohol and who am I to judge, he wasn't so gross after a couple o' shots anyways. 80's night WHHHHAT? The DJ sucked, I found myself dancing as to avoid eye contact with the 40 something that had told me he loved me. I looked around and found myself pretty shocked to see that Fatty (the birthday dude) had some pretty hot friends. AND THE DANCING COMMENCED. Lets just get down to the bare boning of this corset
Friend number 1. A strange sweating boy named Scott grabbed my ass whilst dancing lifting me up off the ground and kissed me. I tapped out at this point I was not in the mood to do Ultimate fighting on the dance floor.
Friend number 2. A smaller gentleman, Ian, asking many questions about "my day" he smelled of hazelnut and alcohol. I could barely hear him and he didn't seem interested in finding out about my day he just couldn't think of a better drunk question. He bought me a drink and took down my number -- or I gave him Sabrina's I had already had a few drinks and I was bored so while he was talking I walked off.
Friend number 3. Paul -- ah Paul he was very cute and very drunk for a while I entertained the alcoholism because he was so good looking but when he got a boner on the dancefloor I thought it would be more interesting to leave him sporting wood and went out for some air.
Friend number 4. Jay, a shy guy from San Diego probably the nice one of them all but he was boring and stood in the corner staring most of the night -- I found him creepy and creepy is funny, while he was talking I started laughing and I spit some sex on the beach all over his shirt, I didn't feel bad I guess I should have.
Friend number 5. Not the cutest one of the bunch but he bathed me in compliments on how hot I was, this kept me busy for about 10 minutes and then I got tired of hearing it. I didn't catch his name AGAIN he wasn't the cutest one anyways.
Friend number 6. Dillon... HOT Dillon, I eyed him the entire time at the club but didn't meet him until we got outside -- 6'4 Dark hair, HOT. Insanity ensued...
Drunk driving is like pulling an all nighter I have to check and see if I'm sleeping when I shouldn't be. Back at my car the first fight occurred. Dillon = funny, funny is hot, funny keeps me busy. He jumps in the front seat. I am sitting in my car getting ready to follow Fatty back to his apartment in West Hollywood. Oh yeah Fatty's real name is Mike not that it matters. Paul, storms over to my open car door and demands that Dillon get out and lays across my lap like a place mat... drunk boys are interesting. Dillon gets out of the car and Paul pushes him I heard him say "she's mine." WOW ok well apparently I am OWNED I guess that's kinda cool... or scary. They look over at me I just wave, I think about jumping in my car and leaving but Dillon is too hot. Finally Dillon gets back in my car. Jay, Ian, Scott and Paul drive in Fatty's car with Fatty's girlfriend. Side note: These guys are really drunk. Dillon decides we should talk like gay men and yell at cops -- not a good idea. Meanwhile Paul and Scott and cussing out Dillon. I clearly saw Paul's anus when he mooned us, of course this was after he threw water in my car and sprayed the entire left side with windex... AND AGAIN -- DRUNK? Back in my car Dillon is hollering at women passing by "You don't mind that I do this right? I mean I am going to end up kissing you later." Yeah we both knew it... We get through a police check point unscathed after Dillon sasses a cop for 10 minutes complaining about the wait... we are drunk, we are driving... giving a cop attitude while doing this -- super awesome. Inside Fatty's apartment the tension scale is about a 9, and why is soft core porn on the TV? I am lost. I stayed for about an hour a house filled with drunk boys one girl and Fatty's girlfriend. UNCOMFORTABLE. My head was spinning in a competition for my attention. I felt like my name was echoing in my head by different voices "Lets go in the bathroom and make out" -- "Gee Scott that sounds like fun can I be pooing during this romantic endeavor as to heighten the ambiance?" drunk people don't get sarcasm -- sad. Dillon is laying on my lap... ANGRY BOYS UNITE! Attack No. 6 sector 4 outweighing the competition LEAVE NO MAN ALIVE. Fight two -- verbal assault. MAN they don't like Dillon. At this point its amusing that I am actually causing a fight amongst friends. Fatty's girlfriend is annoyed its 4 am and the bickering continues, I am satisfied. "I am going home are you staying" -- she is clever. OF COURSE I AM STAYING do you have 6 condoms I am going to be pretty busy! I leave -- Dillon follows -- he is like my puppy my sexy hot puppy... he is shirtless. We walk to my car. Insert imagination sequence.
Chapter Two -- See Spot Beg
Yes my hot sexy puppy... who's following who. He calls me the next morning. We meet up... WHY DO I LIKE HIM oh yeah he's hot and funny, nevermind. Ok he's almost 25 that's not so bad. This brings me to present time. See new post for update
Sunday, April 18, 2004
SabrinaCognata (1:59:10 PM): I PREFER HIGH GRADE COCAINA
SabrinaCognata (2:00:59 PM): this reminds me of the chipmunks
UM HELLO? Why wouldn't cocaine remind anyone of the chipmunks you fucking hand creamers.
Puttin' on the Ritz? I take the Ritz and put them on my ass.
How come poop comes at the most inopportune times. Like when you are taking a very important test, or during an audition or when youre in a hurry, or maybe when you're with that special someone who happens to be entirely too close to the bathroom door to be letting the anus loose, DAMN IT BUTTHOLE be strong!It's like my insides have teamed up against me in order to make me look like a complete retard. Hey entrails I GOT THAT COVERED please stop making me fart :(
DEAFCON
5
4
3
2
1
Everyone farts EVERYONE but people try to keep them a secret, the most precious secret you've ever kept. And its horrible when you're put on the spot like you happen to fart in a car, someone's gotta comment on how fucking terrible that smells, "Oh god I can taste it!" then everyone immediately tackles the I DIDN'T DO IT. "Mine don't smell like that" Oh fuckin' really? well that's awesome, you have your fart down to a science please die accordingly. When I fart and someone says that, I hope my poisonious gas renders them unconscious. Please do not try and figure out who farted, especially if its me because I am going to lie and so are you and I promise I will blame you. Or if it comes out of nowhere and I'm not prepared to be questioned I panic. "Did you fart?" -- "Whaaaat? No I had a terrible accident when I was a child, I CANT fart!?@#?!" -- It's extremely special when you are one of two people in a car. "Wow you farted" --"No I didn't, this city always smells like this, lets just roll up our windows" as you gasp for the last breath of air as you slowly roll up your window, who wants death by their own bodily function.
And how come people get so angry if you accuse them of doing something everyone does on occasion -- pooing. I was at a party once, well I've been to more than one but anyway, there was a line of like 10,000 girls waiting to get into the bathroom and everyone is complaining. I wait like 10 minutes, still no signs of life, the poop mob starts to get impatient and rattling the door, like maybe the door shut and accidently locked itself -- side note why do we keep trying to open a closed/locked bathroom door after we already checked it and KNOW FOR A FACT its totally and completely locked, right ok back to the bathroom story, so eventually I lose interest in the bathroom I do this when I'm drunk, I'm like hey if I poop on myself it will be a funny story for the kids and as I walk past the angry pee line I say "Come on people let the poor woman POOP!" (insert drunk cackle here) I don't even think I got 5 feet from the bathroom door before I hear this "WHO THE FUCK SAID I WAS POOING!?!! (ROAR) " YIKES yes I started laughing, of couse I reply with "Um then what were you doing in there for 15 minutes shaving your face?" ANGER COMPLETE ANGER and she didnt even notice I said face she was still too pissed about the pooing. "I wasnt fucking pooing how fucking dare you!" "How dare I have a 50% chance of being right? You were pooing in there everyone poops calm down" -- "No I wasnt you bitch! I will fight you." And there it was, time stopped and I looked around. YES I was getting in a fight over poop. The angry poo girl swung wildly as her poo posse held her back "Come on Pooronica, lets get out of this place" and 5 asian kung fu party poopers left in a huff. HEY ok fine I got rid of some skinny asian skanks but the chinese poo too... Don't they?
YEAH I'm done with this post but um I never fart or poo... I'm just guessing.
SabrinaCognata (2:00:59 PM): this reminds me of the chipmunks
UM HELLO? Why wouldn't cocaine remind anyone of the chipmunks you fucking hand creamers.
Puttin' on the Ritz? I take the Ritz and put them on my ass.
How come poop comes at the most inopportune times. Like when you are taking a very important test, or during an audition or when youre in a hurry, or maybe when you're with that special someone who happens to be entirely too close to the bathroom door to be letting the anus loose, DAMN IT BUTTHOLE be strong!It's like my insides have teamed up against me in order to make me look like a complete retard. Hey entrails I GOT THAT COVERED please stop making me fart :(
DEAFCON
5
4
3
2
1
Everyone farts EVERYONE but people try to keep them a secret, the most precious secret you've ever kept. And its horrible when you're put on the spot like you happen to fart in a car, someone's gotta comment on how fucking terrible that smells, "Oh god I can taste it!" then everyone immediately tackles the I DIDN'T DO IT. "Mine don't smell like that" Oh fuckin' really? well that's awesome, you have your fart down to a science please die accordingly. When I fart and someone says that, I hope my poisonious gas renders them unconscious. Please do not try and figure out who farted, especially if its me because I am going to lie and so are you and I promise I will blame you. Or if it comes out of nowhere and I'm not prepared to be questioned I panic. "Did you fart?" -- "Whaaaat? No I had a terrible accident when I was a child, I CANT fart!?@#?!" -- It's extremely special when you are one of two people in a car. "Wow you farted" --"No I didn't, this city always smells like this, lets just roll up our windows" as you gasp for the last breath of air as you slowly roll up your window, who wants death by their own bodily function.
And how come people get so angry if you accuse them of doing something everyone does on occasion -- pooing. I was at a party once, well I've been to more than one but anyway, there was a line of like 10,000 girls waiting to get into the bathroom and everyone is complaining. I wait like 10 minutes, still no signs of life, the poop mob starts to get impatient and rattling the door, like maybe the door shut and accidently locked itself -- side note why do we keep trying to open a closed/locked bathroom door after we already checked it and KNOW FOR A FACT its totally and completely locked, right ok back to the bathroom story, so eventually I lose interest in the bathroom I do this when I'm drunk, I'm like hey if I poop on myself it will be a funny story for the kids and as I walk past the angry pee line I say "Come on people let the poor woman POOP!" (insert drunk cackle here) I don't even think I got 5 feet from the bathroom door before I hear this "WHO THE FUCK SAID I WAS POOING!?!! (ROAR) " YIKES yes I started laughing, of couse I reply with "Um then what were you doing in there for 15 minutes shaving your face?" ANGER COMPLETE ANGER and she didnt even notice I said face she was still too pissed about the pooing. "I wasnt fucking pooing how fucking dare you!" "How dare I have a 50% chance of being right? You were pooing in there everyone poops calm down" -- "No I wasnt you bitch! I will fight you." And there it was, time stopped and I looked around. YES I was getting in a fight over poop. The angry poo girl swung wildly as her poo posse held her back "Come on Pooronica, lets get out of this place" and 5 asian kung fu party poopers left in a huff. HEY ok fine I got rid of some skinny asian skanks but the chinese poo too... Don't they?
YEAH I'm done with this post but um I never fart or poo... I'm just guessing.
Monday, January 05, 2004
I promise to come back someday and write something interesting in this thing... that someday is not today.
DIE
DIE
